Letter From The Yakuza

In a troubling development, we received a threatening letter at the Five Finger Jerky Headquarters.  Addressed to the “Five Finger Intruders”(ha),  we are being instructed to cease our search for the forgotten spice.  The troubling part of this letter from Tokyo was that it was signed by a high ranking member of the Yamaguchi-gumi crime family.  Ever heard of the Yakuza?  Yeah, those guys.  They are threatening to “cut off all five fingers of the hand that attempts to enter the sacred temple (we thought that was kinda funny).”  What does this mean?  Josh, what have you done?

We don’t have time for this sort of distraction, especially not with our new flavor (Ghost Pepper Apocalypse) coming so soon.

Dre’s Birthday Party

Another week and we haven’t heard from Josh.  His pet spider monkey Dre turned 12 today and he couldn’t even be bothered to call and wish the little guy happy birthday.  The birthday party just wasn’t the same without Josh this year.  Dre enjoyed the bounce house and pony rides.  A few high level jerky cooks had too much to drink, had a disagreement about 90’s grunge trivia, and decided that Indian leg wrestling was the only way to settle it.  The usual.  But it just wasn’t the same without Josh.

As a side note:  Never give a spider monkey frosting.  Apparently it doesn’t sit well in their tiny little tummies.  Josh is going to freak when he sees what happened to his Persian rug.

Casablanca Plus Size Fashion Show

Last night we received a call from our illusive founder Josh.  He called us collect from a pay phone in Morocco claiming that he was now fully convinced of the existence of the forgotten spice.  While we can’t divulge all of the details, part of his quest involved a plus-size Casablanca fashion show where a runway model with intimate knowledge of the spice was working.  He told us that he was able acquire the information through a few  rigorous rounds of hypnotism followed by what he called a “tickle-fest.”   He mentioned something about having a scuba mask from his time in Romania and how it came in handy.  We don’t even want to think about what that means.

He indicated that he is on his way out of the country but did not mention where he is headed next.  One thing is for sure, he sounds more energized and focused than we have seen in years.  As the days turn to weeks…we await his safe return.

Macaulay Culkin’s Break Dance Competition

Our contacts in Vienna have reported a Josh sighting earlier this week.  He was spotted at an underground break dancing competition hosted by Macaulay Culkin.  Witnesses tell us that Josh demanded to be entered into the competition after showing up mid show under the influence of a local sausage-based stimulant and no invitation.  He was detained and released at the Czech border by Austrian officials who would neither confirm nor deny they were bribed with lifetime supplies of our Tibetan Teriyaki jerky.

The good news is that Josh was not formally charged.  The bad news is that he seems to be a desperate man at this point.  If you see him, do not approach him, please just contact us.  We believe this quest has driven him mad and we aren’t sure what he might do next.

Budapest Pinball Museum

Security camera footage outside the Budapest Pinball Museum in Hungary have been confirmed to show Josh entering last week. After speaking with museum staff, we can also confirm that the highest known score ever recorded on the original Indian Jones pinball machine was played during the time of his visit.  We can only assume this was Josh due to his years of experience on the World Pinball Circuit. This was actually his life ambition until he discovered competitive tight rope walking in the mid 90’s.

Josh is definitely on the move and we can’t be sure if this latest sighting has anything to do with the quest for the forgotten spice. Our guess is that he needed a break, but who knows? Maybe there was a vital clue that could only be found at that location.

Security camera footage obtained by Five Finger Jerky (we have connections) show Josh leaving the museum accompanied by what appeared to be a circus clown carrying a mannequin and a chinchilla on a leash. Does anyone know what this means?

Romania’s Got Talent

Exciting news! Josh has been spotted. The producer of a Romanian reality show, Romania’s Got Talent, contacted us and told us that Josh was identified after auditioning as part of a cirque du soleil style act. I won’t bore you with the details but it involved pyrotechnics, a donkey, and a bag of scuba masks.

We aren’t sure if this is related to his search for the forgotten spice or just a silly distraction on his way to a lead. What we do know is that he is using elaborate disguises to conceal his identity. Apparently he was posing as a 90-year-old Chinese man under the assumed name Dong Lo. After being identified, he fled the scene on a unicycle and has not been spotted since.  So his quest continues. God speed Josh, god speed.

An Unhealthy Obsession?

While business is good and our jerky is as delicious as ever, we miss Josh. We often wonder if he is making any progress on his quest. As well intentioned as he may be, we worry that this has become an unhealthy obsession. Like that time he started hoarding survival gear because he became convinced of an impending zombie apocalypse. Or the time he vowed to be the first person to climb Everest barefoot. He lost three toes before leaving base camp! We all remember his obsession with life sized origami house building.

Josh, if you’re reading this, please come home before you get yourself hurt. We don’t really need this forgotten spice. People love our jerky just the way it is. We will wait for you Josh.. we will wait.

The quest for the forgotten spice…

The disappearance of our founder Josh began innocent enough with a trip to Tibet.  While touring the Jokhang Temple, he heard murmurs among the monks of a forgotten spice. Like the city of Atlantis, this delicious spice had been missing so long that it had become myth. Ancient stories tell of a spice that offered the freshness of mint, the sweetness of molasses, the spiciness of chili peppers, and the vitality of ginseng, all rolled into one. He was intrigued.

Josh began to wonder if this spice really existed and if so, had it ever been used on beef jerky. As the founder of the world famous Five Finger Jerky, he knew it was his responsibility to find answers. Josh checked out of his hotel determined to find this forgotten spice and deliver it to the masses through Five Finger Jerky.

It has now been two months and Josh has been spotted only once. We all miss him and we’re beginning to worry. He was last sighted in a Turkish bath house where he was reportedly partaking in a drinking contest with Saudi royalty. If you have any information on his whereabouts, please contact us at whereisjosh@fivefingerjerky.com.

Thank you!

Your Friends @ Five Finger Jerky